And then there was a dot and after the silence came this sheep. Or there was a shot and then there was an entering and after the night came this sheep. Or there was this water and then there was something with dots and after the shot came this sheep. Or there was a yellowish color that had two parts, saying some name in the dark and given another place in time and then in came this sheep. Or the jumping had essence that signaled some swallowing of pride that at least some of the time there would be something strange going on and then there would be this sheep. Or holding on was just too difficult. For this sheep.
So confession sheep flew in. No. Someheep threw him. How painful. He was needed. How painful.
But because of the noise they couldn’t ask him to fly in. There wasn’t even a we, nor access to wanting to ask, nor feeling the need to. Everything started with something that happened before that, and it made a sheep hold his breath because he couldn’t move. Because of internal noise we couldn’t hear ourselves need him. He should have been there. And he was. But we didn’t know. Oh, how we longed for skipping time and be in a three syllable place. If only heaven was pronounced differently.. voice of waters. Shamayim.
“Hey bitch, you forgot your crayon,” Confession sheep said. “I don’t blame you, and I have never took the b-word in my mouth, but it’s time to tell you that you forgot your crayon. Remember the b-oundaries? Remember the lines you could draw with them? Remember that? It’s the most b-itter taste you will ever have in your mouth if you do decide to swallow your three syllables, you know that. It doesn’t matter which letter you turn upside down, or ‘why’. Why do you make your name into this scrambled and co thingy? It’s Potamotrygorgeous, you know. What is it you want?
And while Confession sheep listened, we confessed: even the clearest mirror couldn’t be held upright. It fell down and reflected the deadliest powder only, doubling it in size, in imagination only if we believed that reflections were real. Divide and conquer. Is that was he meant by drawing a line?
“No,’ confession sheep said. “I said: What is it you want? I won’t allow any abstract answers. You have become a master at this, haven’t you? It’s not divide and conquer with you, it’s dive or duck. I won’t allow any answers with a negation in it. For if you are on a crossroad with thousand exits, you are still running in circles or stand still if you only say you DONT want exit three.. I know you DONT want exit three. Or four. Or seventeen. Or twenty. Or one. Or six. You said three already. Four too. Stop repeating even the repetition, for you are drawing circles in such a way that all of this is spiraling out of control. So I ask you again: What is it you want?”
And while Confession sheep listened, we confessed what we wanted: “Out.”
“No, not acceptable, for it is abstract”, confession sheep said. “Unless you mean ‘out of this room at this moment, which you are physically perfectly able to do. But I won’t insult your intelligence by assuming that’s what you meant, because you have always given me this power of being so not-understandably-philosophical, so stop blaming it on me if I don’t understand. I am not your reflection screen. So try again. What is it you want?”
And while Confession sheep listened, we confessed: “I don’t know.”
“Not acceptable”, confession sheep said, “for it is a negation. Express your need. Try. No. Express.”
And while Confession sheep listened, we asked: “Why?”
“Because there is a reason,” confession sheep said, “that you always bring up this mirror stuff, and you don’t even see it. Even a simple question you turn around, asking why. You think you need this mirror to have reflection of yourself. You still think that if you are seen, you exist. And you go as far as even thinking that that is the only way for you to exist, or to have the validation that you exist. If only you are seen, then you ‘are’. And you desperately try for creating operationalisations of that construct, if you don’t mind me using two statistical terms here, but you are missing one crucial point. You forget that the mirror reflects you in exactly the opposite. And that is why you only ask in abstracts and negations. It should be about the opposites. Turn that why upside down, for flock’s sake, look at the title, girl! It’s all about you!”
And while Confession sheep listened, we asked: “Will you be patient?”
“Ah, that is a need, if I may be so free as translating your question about the potential presence of one of my character traits as an expression of your need for me to be patient with you on this topic,” confession sheep said to dreamsheep. “I am patient for the exact amount of time and in the exact intensity as you lack it. This is not my or by choice, this is the direct result of you. If you leave, I cease to exist too. It’s all in your mind, remember? As long as you choose to wake up and decide you are helpless, I will ALWAYS and by default be the helper. I said default, not yourfault. But you do have options.”
“Why can’t I see them then?” Dream sheep asked.
“You can.” Confession sheep answered.
“If I see them, why can’t I choose then?” Dream sheep asked.
“You can.” Confession sheep answered.
“If I can choose them, why don’t I then?” Dream sheep asked.
“You already did.” Confession sheep answered.
“If I already choose, then why do I feel the way I do?” Dream sheep asked.
“And how’s that?” Confession sheep asked friendly.
“Lost. Sick. Monstrous. Dead.” Dream sheep cried softly.
“Because,” confession sheep said, “because, again, the mirror reflects things in exact the opposite. Turn it around, it’s not about you perceive others to see you. It’s not about them at all.”
“Girl, do I need to spell it out for you?’ confession sheep said. “For others Your Left Eye is on the right side of your head if they look at you. How will they ever Be you? How will they ever know you? How will you ever get to know yourself if you trust what they see? They are looking at it from the most impossible angle, for they are not you. YOU ARE.”
“What should I do with that crayon..” dream sheep asked softly.
“Learn to write,” confession sheep replied. “And turn the why’s around. Lost becomes found. Sick becomes healthy. Monstrous becomes angelic. And if you need more time, the only thing you have to do is just keep on drawing.”