‘I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I know you,’ confession sheep said. ‘I know what goes on inside. I know that what you want to say is “Fuck you, arm, here, have a razor.” I know this, but let’s take on chance on it, okay and just tell you who cares?’ confession sheep said. ‘Stop sprinkle the magic fuck-giving dust, and you will also stop hating yourself for feeling this way. A good writer also will not ‘wait’ for inspiration or motivation to write, he just gets moving, writes, and then something happens, or not. Whatever. It’s just words anyway.’
We did not know confession sheep like this. He hardly ever swears (or talks about dust sprinkling, let alone it being magical).
‘That is because I am you,’ confession sheep said. ‘I see what you see. But you are just too scared to admit it. Or in any case, you lie about it. And I don’t know whether liars sound more scared or more confident. However they sound, I will by default sound the opposite.’
We were not sure whether we were scared, or confident, nor how we sounded. Confession sheep talked us into brain frigidity.
‘That is because you can’t just not-care. Everything has to have meaning these days and so many crises are no longer material; it’s all existential, spiritual. I can understand why you are confused. Or angry even. It makes you want to avoid it all, doesn’t it?’
If we would say yes, then we knew that confession sheep would say that avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering, and how he would go on saying that by analogy avoidance of struggle is a struggle, and how denial of failure is a failure, hiding what is shameful is a form of shame, yeah, we get the point even in our heads. He would drive his point home, to where we lived. Or.. Used to live, because at times like this we would normally just check out. See? Avoidance. But if we would say no.. Wouldn’t that be avoidance by itself?
‘You have too much time on your hands, I can tell by your head spinning,’ confession sheep said. ‘Know this about a brain: when there are no problems, the mind will automatically find a way to invent some. This is true for sheep, but also for herders, they are sheep in their own unique kind of way. Life problems are really just side effects of not having anything more important to worry about. So.. You have to learn to not give a fuck.. Or better yet: reserve your fucks for what truly matters in life.’
‘Just give a fuck about something more important than adversity. Let me put it another way..,’ confession sheep said..’the more you persue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, I guarantee it, because pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lacked it in the first place. Correct?’
Honestly, he was correct.
Honestly, we didn’t know what to say.
The only thing we thought was please take over the herd for us.
The other thing we thought was marriage.
‘I will not go on a rant here, saying that I have had it a little with this industry selling happiness like it’s as easy as the sound of shaking coins in a piggy bank. The whole pursuit of happiness, do what makes you happy and when you are not happy, this is what you can do about it quick fix kind of books. I will also not say that happiness sucks like fuck because it is not a solvable equation.’
‘But I will say this: There is great danger in the society of today, for it coddles itself more and more from the inevitable discomforts of life; the danger lying in you starting to believe that it is not okay for things to suck sometime and I will predict that if you lose the benefits of experiencing healthy doses of pain, it will disconnect you from the reality of the world around us.’
So happiness is off the plate. Denial too, we think.. we still had the marriage card, but we were not sure if we were handed the same deck confession sheep was dishing out.
‘Try suffering for a change,’ confession sheep said. ‘Now that is something I would call biologically incredibly useful; dissatisfaction keeps you fighting. In that regard, all pain, in all its forms is almost the most effective means of spurring one into action. So don’t strive or hope for a happy life, nor even for a life without problems, because there is no such thing, instead hope for a life full of good problems. Trust me: happiness lies in finding problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.’
What problem should we choose then? There are so many? What if I choose the wrong problem?
‘Oh, yeah, that is something I should also not talk about: CHOOSE. Just choose. Whatever. Because if you don’t choose, your what if’ will eventually morph into a ‘what else’ and then I would have called the story ‘veni, vidi, fuck you.’ But, like I said, be careful where you spend your fucks on.’
‘I would advise to do a story about this, what is there to lose? It’s just words..’