If I’m honest, I blame God that He never let me know that my brokeness can be restored (did I even ever ask Him?). I don’t know if He even cares (did I even ever ask Him?). I think that’s where the black weight comes from, that I feel hanging over me all day, ever since my boyfriend asked me to be his girl. Ever since I have known him, I feel confronted with a wordless screaming baby pain, where I not only feel abandoned by my biological mother, or later betrayed by my spiritual mother and put away by my spiritual leader, but also abandoned by my heavenly Father. Pushed out of the house I was born in, put away from the house I was born again in.. Lord.. where is Your habitation then? I am lost.
Unsafe attachment. The sweeter you are to me, the bigger my fear and mistrust. What is behind all of this? For how long can I swaddle myself in this idyllic feeling of an ancient-desiring-melting-together-with-you? The more I try to put it into words, the bigger my regression becomes, as if I am a marble made of gummy bear ingredients, that I am trying to squeeze in between my thumb and index finger, to get the first drop of sadness out.The marble only shoots away, the same way that I am ungraspable, to myself mostly. Incomprehensible too. The more I am with people, the more clear I am starting to see that the first 26 layers of me are mere masks. And my creativity and intelligence are without boundaries, to the point where I have seldom met someone who saw me for what I was doing: playing charades – actor and sometimes my own audience as well. How lonely. Who do I need to forgive in order to put my hand in my own bossom, whose arm is going to pull me away from the puppeteering?
Where is God with His restoration?
Where is His peace?
Where is His joy?
Why don’t I hear Him?
Why does it feel as if I have to hold my head above the water myself, kicking up a storm that He could easily silence to stillness with one tug of breath?
Why doesn’t He make me trust Him more?
Why doesn’t he fill my broken cistern with slow dripping, treacly gold?