When I saw myself on a recently recorded video, I startled. I look older than I feel. I am way more tin than the mirror tells me. But I was also in shock because the seriousness that I have felt gravitating over me, is more visible in my face than I had hoped. And at once my book turns to a chapter that talks about overcoming bondage of bitterness. The timing on that one huh. In one gulp of breath or ink immediately 19 names roll onto my paper, people’s cheecks from my former church that I would just love to smack hard with a piece of drift wood, to prevent them of knowing that with their silence last year they forsook me in a moment that I needed them most. Openly scaffolded as the whore of the church.

What hurts me, is knowing that God loves them too. It feels as if my own father wines and dines the man who rapes me. How could God let happen what happen last year, why didn’t He intervene. Why do I still think that their sin is way more unforgivable than what I tallied on my stick.

Vengeance is Mine, my heavenly Father says.
I will repay, my heavenly Father says.

This is what I need. A vengeful God, not yet a God that summonds me to forgive, even though those two things can walk alongside of each other, and can even walk hand in hand, as if they were four arms of two lovers, together becoming one flesh in an embrace. But will He avenge the way I want Him to and the way I need? Does He even know how deep that knife went into my back? Why does His forgiveness towards my enemies feel as betrayal of me? Why did He chose to have His wrath fall upon Jesus and not upon them? Why did in doing that He divested me from the possibility to brood on my own legitimate anger..

Vengeance is Mine, He says.
I will repay, He says.

All the blood is on His clothing. The blood of death, the result of punishment for sin, the sin also commited by the people who have hurt me so much, that blood is not on them, but has fallen on Jesus. Because He wanted it to be so. Because the Father wanted it to be so. It makes the garments of all the people in my former church whiter as snow, radiating and glowingly white, clothed with the righteousness of God, who also embraces me in His heart. My sin isn’t smaller than theirs, ouch.