God tells Joshua that the law mustn’t depart from his mouth, but that he should think about it night and day. The expression night and day has morphed into this idea of incessantly, while in the original Hebrew it said something like ‘by day and by night’, refererring to the exact two moments when a sheep herder would eat. The rest of the day he could ruminate on his food. It also fits more closely to the Hebrew word for ‘thinking’, which can also indicate mediation or chewing the cud. It isn’t healthy to be eating all the time; you should also take time to digest it, let it sink in. Somewhere on my canvas I see the words ‘take your time’ and that is exactly what I had to do for my fifth color entry, belonging to the book ‘Restored’, because it was a quite impressive read, and a heck of a question, that God asked me. It’s not that I have a middle name, like Steven R. McQueen, otherwise mine would also have been the R of Rebel.

It started in the garden of Eden.
Not doing what God says.
And I fair no better.

I run every red light, either by foot or bike, unless I see cops somewhere. I don’t wear a mask in a store, unless someone summonds me to. And.. I see myself standing on a fork in the road, to make another decision, this time in my relationship. Sex before marriage. Yay or nay. Do I run that red light as well? Thinking that nobody’s gonna get hurt because I really checked all the angles, left, right, left. The contents of the box of excuses that is pulled open on this topic is almost too hilarious for words. We will stay together anyway, so we might as well.. Jesus died for this sin too, so just ask for forgiveness every morning.. Adam and Even also didn’t go to civil court to jot down their signature somewhere, and still God deemed their relationship valid and blessed..

But outside of the box of excuses I also saw something else. I saw Jesus’ tears. He showed me how my desire to stand before Him as a clean bride surpasses the physical desire I have for my boyfriend. I saw a woman in a wedding gown, without spot or blemish. It was almost as if I was standing before an altar and I wasn’t asked the question: ‘Taketh thee..’, but I heard the question: ‘Which one of these two does thou take..’ Do I choose my boyfriend or do I choose Jesus? Also on this segment of my spiritual umbillical cord it comes down that choice again, as if it were another turning point in my conversion. This it what it comes down to.

Do I choose Jesus here or don’t I.
Do I save myself for marriage?
Who receives my yes?

This means I can lose my boyfriend, for he is not a christian yet and unknowingly he adds to the box of excuses by saying that if God exist He probably wants me to be happy, and that everybody does it these days, and that God probably knows this, and that God shouldn’t be so oldfashioned, because He may be living in the year 0, but we’re 2021 years along now.. But it feels as if I hear a muffle on the volume of these lies. It feels as if my feet are somehow planted or glued onto this path, leading to a heavely altar, paved with godly promises, with girl-friend-ly encouragements and with somewhere in the back of my mind a chuckling idea that basically all my life I haven’t done things the way people thought I should. So let me be a rebel then, on this topic, but not a rebel towards God, but to the world.

I step forward, take my veil off and say yes.
To Him.