Daddy, the way you showed me how Esau comforted himself with the thought of killing his brother Jacob was so clear, that I saw how revenge is an eternal circle, perpetually and inherently thrusting itself forward, closing oneself in with every turn, tumbling down this slanted slope of destruction, eating itself alive, while procreating twice as fast.

The thought of revenge can be comforting, or at least that is what the world advertises to us as a truth. That once you have your revenge, ‘it’ will be all right again? Please define me the ‘it’ then, because I can’t find it under my i. The only thing I found was a lie, because I discovered that revenge doesn’t erase the the scratch on my soul. ‘Sorry’ doesn’t unspeak what was said. ‘Sorry’ isn’t the sole ingredient of the epoxy that glues people together again. If I steal your car because you stole mine, I’m still without my car and still missing all the personal belongings that I stuffed in the glove compartment. I would still be shocked by the fact that I never expected you to steal my car. If I then turn into indifference as revenge, I am stuck with that emotion all day.

With what do you comfort yourself, My daughter?

Oh Daddy, You made me ponder over it yesterday already.. with what do I fill myself.. do I fill myself with worldly things? How can it be that I increasingly notice that I want to stuff myself with pride, as if water can be pushed into a ball of cotton candy that you shove down your throat, knowing that it’s empty caloric food, that will only blow up my stomack (or ego), after with I let out this air of nothingness when in contact with another, ending empty and alone again. Bummed. Angry. What to do?

With what do you comfort yourself, My daughter?

Oh Daddy, it’s so easy to find comfort in lies, but that’s also a worldly free gift I guess. Jesus sent the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me. The Person who is always with me, a Person whose voice I sometimes still hush to silence, because I keep believing the lie that I have to solve things alone, my way, because if I don’t do it, who will? Esau should have turned to You with his hatred and not have murder on his heart. I should have turned to You with my mess. With my everything actually.

What history lies behind me, Daddy, to know about the rubble in Isac’s family, them kicking dust around as if gravity doesn’t exist. How relatable to see family members tumbling over each other like that. I can’t imagine Your sadness over this scene. But I also see Your decisiveness in all of this, because You never tore Your papers up, You continued Your plan, what grace You show me to have..

I am in wonderings to see Your majesty walking forwards, as if it was you on the isle.The majestic way that in my opinion only the Prophet Isaiah could approach it a little by making way to describing your robe filling the entire temple.. Oh Daddy, how You showed Your mercy to be thundering silence.. how Your rock solid promise lays the foundation underneath every rubble in every family, and therefore in mine. How You know how to operate outside of time and turn past mistakes into future glories, as if it was You who rummaged through that glove compartment looking for what we put there only to throw out when we would arrive at our destination. Oh, how this I see Your greatness evermore clear, distinct and unmistakable. My rips are alive, tearing into bigger cracks. And in what I perceive to be a loss of ‘me’, looking into black nothingness -if You’re not here, I am lost!- I find the light of Your glory, Your promise, Your love. It’s beyond words, it’s in You that I have my being. My God.. it’s scary A.F. (thank you for knowing abbreviations). Because it shows me that if You let go, I have nothing to hold on to! Please hold on to me, Daddy!

Thank you for Your plan with my life, that You had all ready and typed up before I could even walk (or fall). That it is a plan unreplacable, despite me. Teach me how to run to you for comfort. Teach me to live Your way. Be my comfort today. My life feels like one big mess, Daddy, I have no idea where to begin, it’s hard to breathe at times and I see myself hiding in fleeing from reality, but it’s exactly in those empty spaces where I find You, thank You that I can’t run away. Thank you for running into me, wherever I go.