And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind..

When I was born the first time, I learned a couple of lessons: Nobody sees me.
Nobody stays with me. I can trust nobody. My opinion, my boundaries and my desires don’t matter. Eventually people will leave me. This led to an impossibility for a ‘me’ to develop. I found my ‘I’ in the other and with every other I was a different person. If they saw me, I existed. If they smiled at me, I was loved. If they wanted something, I went along. When I was born again a battle started, against these lies and it’s the toughest battle that I’ve ever fought, because I have to trust Jesus in this one, who says that He is to be trusted, He does see mee and He does stay with me. How can I trust that, I wonder.. only because He says He is God? How can I trust even that?

I tried planting these truths, as if they were cardboard signs, the size of them being those things you push deep in the soil of your yard when you are putting your house up for sale. In my case they were called truth signs, and I tried planting them in my garden. On one side of the sign I would write the lie that NOBODY sees me, and on the other side of the sign I would write the truth that JESUS sees me, but what I ended up with was an empty sign in a yard without a house, because that is what reality is for me now (but what isn’t necesserily the truth). The fact that I don’t put the name of my boyfriend on those signs hurts me. The fact that I don’t write the name of Jesus hurts me. The fact that I am looking at empty signs hurts me. On top of that, I don’t even know where my house is!

Lord, You know me. You know how I feel; I don’t have to put it into words, because you eyes look way beyond my effort to keep the locks on my waterfall shut tight with a battering ram of words. You are with me, that is something that I need to believe, because otherwise I don’t think I exist any more. Without You filling me I only consist of lies, fantasies, other people’s character, road signs in book ends and fears that paralize me. These moments used to be the exact moments, Lord, that I would cut myself, moments that would have me jump off of my crisis rim, into sheer panic, moments that I would have reverted back to drugs, but You have such a patient and gentle way of showing me different, because I shouldn’t seek my solace in the world, but in You.

I wish I could call You,
I wish I could drink You,
I wish I could see You,
I wish I..

Lord, the tears that never were, they asphyxiate me, all the tears for things past. Turn my life around, Father. Let me know that I know that I know that it is You who sees me, that it is You, who never leaves me, that it is You who I can trust. Bring me home, Father, take me to Your house.