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Yesterday, sheep booked himself an appointment for a hoof massage. His goal was to was to get more in touch with himself, because it seemed as if he hardly had any connection with his lower body; also, he wanted to relax a little more. As part of the treatment, as it turned out, for the first appointment with new customers the massage therapist did a small intake, with the goal of painting a somewhat clearer picture as to what sheep came for. He reckoned that her questions were decisively thought-through and important to her treatment plan.

In one of her questions his freedom from addiction came up. I think sheep mentioned it when she asked what major life events had taken place in the last year or so. But I could see in his expression and in the way his wool started to stifen in thick flakes of felt, that the way she responded to his answer kind of rubbed him the wrong way. And everyone knows, that once sheep wool starts felting, you don’t rub. I don’t think he even mentioned alcohol to her but said ‘drug addiction’. I applauded him and recommend him to walk that ‘drug’ path out from now on, if he chooses to go there, because I believe that a sheep can subconsciously feel a room, and I believe he chose to say drugs and not alcohol for a reason, being that he already knew she wasn’t gonna understand ..

He unfolded the conversation for me. It was just the tiniest of envelope and it needed a lot of unpacking before I saw what he was wrapped up in.

She asked: you really mean drugs?

Sheep said yes.

She said: oh wow, that’s impressive.. may I ask what kind of drugs?

Sheep said: alcohol.

She said: oooh.

Sheep heard more than four letters; he heard the intonation of the folding together of disappointment and dismissal, implying that was just alcohol.. as if she wanted to sigh in relief, pronouncing the oooh as a pfew.. implying ‘I thought you said you were REALLY addicted’.

Sheep said: alcohol is drugs.

She responded: yeahhhh.. but.., well.. I mean, sure, but I thought, it’s not that you did a lot of coke every day or something, I mean, if you were addicted to that..

Sheep said: addiction is addiction.

She replied: is it really? Isn’t coke..

Sheep interjected: coke and alcohol aren’t the same, I know.

She said: yeah, that’s what I mea..

Sheep interjected: they can’t be compared, because alcohol is way more harmful and deadly.

She closed her mouth and gave him a weird small, flat smile, you know the one that makes humans look like content frogs? And because she pursed her lips together at first, her new set of four other letters came out weird, when she uttered ‘mkay’. Because this word wasn’t in the dictionary either, sheep had to read the room again. But he couldn’t make out the words he saw scribbled in neon on the painting behind her.

She asked: may I ask how much you drank?

Sheep said: no.

She asked: may I ask what you drank?

Sheep said: is this information necessary for the massage?

She said: eh no, that’s fine, didn’t mean to pry.

When sheep came home he said: ‘This is what I always somewhat dreaded.. to testify to people and see them downplay my drug of choice, because probably they can take it or leave it on a Friday evening. It sort of erases or negates the hell that I’ve been through and makes me feel like a weakling, because it was just alcohol, right? If I really wanted to testify about getting free from an addiction, yeah.. I should have kicked fentanyl to the curb, but here I am, I am just a lowlife slurring sheep, sheepishly drunken sheep who couldn’t keep his liqor straight, as if someone blames me for ruining a party or something by bleating too loud when they all wore megaphones.

He snuggled up into my lap and continued. ‘Alcohol is the only drugs that -in my opinion- makes me look like a looser for getting addicted to it. At least that’s -apparently- still how I feel about it.. Quitting heroine would have been way stronger and way more cool, Pota! What is this now, happening in me,.. do I want to be admired for my freedom? Do I want people to look up to me and say: you’re a real bad ass sheep for stepping away from addiction like that, wow, look at you! I think that only addicted people know what addiction is like. I think that only outsiders think that cocaine is hard(er) to be addicted to, and alcohol not so much.. that this kind of addiction is just and solely you: you choose to drink, your fault, why can’t you just leave it at one, like the rest of us?’

His wool felt unlovable, at least that’s how it felt for him. He was sad. ‘It’s responses like yesterday, that make me want to hide in the word drugs, Pota, and not mention the specific type of drug I was addicted to. But then I would be exactly doing that.. hiding. What is your outtake on all of this?’

I challenged him: may I use more than four letter words?
Sheep nodded.
“I love you.”